Focus on the Upstate 94 - Safe Harbor - 3/4/18

Focus on the Upstate
Sunday, March 4th

Beck Callaham, the Executive Director of Safe Harbor, discusses the problem of domestic violence in the Upstate and reminds us of their upcoming Fashion with a Passion fundraiser.


Transcript - Not for consumer use. Robot overlords only. Will not be accurate.

Welcome to focus on the upstate a program dedicated to informing you about organizations that serve our community. And how you can get involved with him. Here's your host Chris Evans. Good morning and welcome to focus on the upstate my name is Chris Evans today my guest is Becky Khaled Hamdi executive director of safe harbor good morning techie how are going to press I'm great how are you I'm doing all right thank you for asking it's a pleasure to have you here. Safe harbor and I'm just gonna launch straight into the first question and usually ask my guess what do you do and who you do it for. Safe harbor is the up State's domestic violence organizations. On the executive director and safe harbor has been in existence as a shelter. For our domestic violence victims since the late seventies. That as an organization it's a bits and providing national Turkey. Counseling prevention and outreach we've been in existence since 1995. Are. 1995. Okay and what was sitting in the seventies that started it. Safe harbor good question that that conversation about domestic violence as and real issue. And started in the late seventies and the first pots of money. That or are awarded to states to open just basic shelter Ers for women and children to flee. When they have to get out of their house who did domestic violence and that's really where it started and in fact are sick harbor shelter in Greenville was the first shelter in the state of South Carolina. Really happened in all south Philly I'll South Carolina yes we year. News reports about domestic violence you know it exposes these ex yeah is that that kind of thing yeah how big a problem is domestic violence and tough on well it's pretty big island South Carolina has ranked in the top ten for deaths of women by a man. Which is typically related to domestic violence in the entire time. That the study has been going on which is about twenty years South Carolina currently ranks number of got in the nation protests have won by a man. And mr. recently we have ranked number three number two number one. We've always ranked in the top ten we can get out of sassy yet to significant problems and in Greenville Kenny specifically. We ranked the highest of incidents of domestic violence in the entire state. Now now you mentioned Greene County but you serve more than just Green Day and we serve Greenville Pickens and company an Anderson Cantonese and in those Cantonese. We have three emergency shelters. Green bowl and in Anderson and in a company can't make. We have a prevention program in all of those counties we have a community program and we do out reach shore communities too so we want to make sure that we're encompassing all the things that. Dictum as neat as well as our community needs to address issue of domestic violence. What is it about South Carolina that she can't say exactly good question good question it's a combination of things it says it's kind of a tonic. Four mad domestic violence deaths I'm number one. What we say on the laws and dealing with domestic violence. We're not as stringent as they needed to be so about three years ago some a new coupled laws were created to increased the accountability. Of domestic violence perpetrators and said that remains to be seen at this point isn't that that is gonna help. We're smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt. And I'm a lot of perpetrators of domestic ballots he used summoned the passages from the Bible decide you know this is just the way it's supposed to be a member and basically toward my Catholic and pretty much do whatever I want today and that is kind of messages are are twisted. There is an met at a Suzanne never really heard a preacher say that from the pulpit you know come they don't say it from the pulpit we've heard of clients. I did victims of domestic violence and going to do marriage counseling. I'm with the first person that they would get into a lot of times it is they're they're thanks to Nigeria and it is not from lack of the winning to help that and just not knowing you know how dangerous domestic violence can date. And just looking at it as a problem with communication and co. Or problem when that doesn't really necessarily lead the issue is more about power and control so. This kind of things out and which is one of the reasons why we feel like I'm moving into outreach for our communities in allowing. Faith communities to understand number one. The messages that they were giving to their faith communities to the victims as Willis is somebody you might get perpetrators of domestic violence and how they respond to victims of domestic. Viola might there also beats to some degree the people that link you said there are the first people that you would reach out to you from marriage counseling faith leaders something at something like that. That they are not necessarily versed in in what does that. Exactly so it's looks like it's just not necessarily something they're gonna learn and it's something that's becoming more more prevalent. So that is one of the things that we are actually an engaged in is working with a group. A faith leaders from various congregations and beliefs and really doing AM an underlying understanding of what domestic violence is. And an and we are all. On the same page we may not everybody doesn't necessarily agree on all the specific sure adults. Political views oriented they're religious and thank. But we really want to make sure that families are saying we think. We all agree that it should be a right to feel sleeping your hand so with that understanding to really worked would messaging to our faith communities because. The faith community is. Obviously it's it's a place where people are in changing their last and changing their rounds are for people go to transfer. A lot of neat essentially that has happened. The other asserting the shorter update you mentioned that you were working with several faith communities it congregations in death like that. But you can't work with everybody at least not all the ones assets but the except maybe here yet to take a minute. And talked to some faith leaders that may not be involved in the prime that your running. And tell them how to recognize the signs of domestic violence in relationship. Yeah well you know one of the first signs and that exe is that to the it did victim typically is is a little bit more isolated than she used to be or he underground in our victims of domestic violence that the lion's share of domestic violence victims are women. And in relationships. Dip arbitrator is is going to really exert a lot of jealousy a lot of power. A lot of things with the person the victim inmates seem nervous or may start to. Decrease their extracurricular activities. Or the arbitrator I am is going to excessively calling check up on on on the victim. And and really it is this other effects are starting to see that things just don't seem right. Now we may look right on the surface. But the victim is slowly but surely losing some control. Of of the dare to relationship and it and becoming more and more depressed and isolated. And and typically it's in and that the quintessential things that everybody has really learned to look for a long sleeves. And never did inappropriate clothing covering up Irish. Is there talking about it they're really one of the things that we really want to let breaks now is that many times report becomes even physical becomes. In emotionally psychologically. Abusive relationship. And that's where our decide the lie and send it comes and well we're finding is that. If there are so many victims of domestic violence when we do a speaking engagement. In the community just a random speaking engagement many people come up to us and say I was a victim of domestic violence and it's amazing. How many people have been affected statistics they want him for women will be affected by domestic violence and so what we're finding is that not necessarily. Everybody has been a victim of domestic violence knows that they can't net knows that it is domestic violence. That's one of the things that I was gonna ASEAN is is not just talking to the those faith leaders yes that we mentioned but. Talking to it to people who might be victims some hallmarks of domestic violence are going to be very obviously he said do you know that the RC outings like that. It's going to be. On the park it's going to be you know yes I didn't. What are some of the more subtle signs that even the victims might miss yes so that is our that is very sad once written which has yet isolation and on and and and and being more and more secretive about particular areas and regulations it shipped yes that lie for manipulation. And it's the closest friends are gonna notice personally you know you don't deserve to be treated this way and Seth. Well we learned are there were rationalize. Cap lost on that rationalized. That victims and and perpetrators are are operating in on this at this concept of this the quintessential as it can't be domestic violence because it hasn't hit and so that idea or. It only happens when he struck. Or he's only being possessive because he loves me so much. Or he's only being possessive because he's trying to protect makes as so all of these who rationalize. Are those things that you I ate your operating and in this relationship. That helped to manifest it continuing. And so it was those folks who you know are seeing that app. I'm not one of them you know I'm not at that dictum as domestic my husband has come for unprofessional. I mean I'm educated. And Shirley I'm not that kind of person. But it it it happens to all socio economic levels all people who have. Anybody needed any opera passions that it despite its runs the gamut. So what we're finding is that that those folks didn't have that idea of really what that continuum of domestic violence was. More than berg rich chances articulate and understand a gosh yes this is an and that can only to the physical violence up. We started our defy the lie campaign in really started reaching out. In our communities and and having as pastors in the bathrooms. That didn't necessarily show pictures of a woman he's in the corner with a bruise and it. Issues beat up because a lot of text don't see themselves ran that. Stroke that weak person in the corner and they're strong but something is not okay and their relationship. And so it is that more subtle message to say you know white. You you not necessarily. Need to pick up everything and go to a domestic violence shelter although you might. But what are you just pick up the plan and call and just talked to some. And we can talk with you about what's going on in your relationship just to make sure that your site now. How to people do that if if somebody listening right now thinks wow maybe I am a victim of domestic violence how to they get in touch with you should they can now I'm contact us aren't on the US a lot of times is safer from somebody else is going on our website. And they can call our toll free number. And that is also on our website that number is 180291. And 2139. And that's answered 2.4 hours a day. Seven gases they can just Collison had an immediately have somebody to talk to the 24 hour it on the website it's actually called crisis on yes. Again that sort of identification I'm not a victim. I'm nodding crisis yes. Yes should I be calling the number I don't make trouble right exactly actually you know the interesting thing is to and a lot of pixels I want it's you know it's really not that bad round but the crisis in that particular. A definition I guess. Is it Dick do you have a Medivation to just call somebody right now and to say you know what I just need to talk to somebody. It's confidential. We are gonna report any kind of domestic violence. To the police unless you want us to work with do you enjoy doing it so what we. Are in the business at doing is helping victims of domestic violence. Reading a pat or. In whatever form that looks like and providing and that C space stay spaced right that minute and then to help them be safe Wear whatever that looks like and what ever they each used to duke. The last thing we were you know when we started this conversation we're talking about South Carolina. One of the most important things that I think that we don't do as well in South Carolina. Because we maintained our traditions we love our traditions and talent you're gonna. And many of them are really good traditions we hold on to that nearly got that southern hospitality. But we don't. Really address the issue of violence in families and so one of the most important things that we agree on is that's. There needs to be more prevention. And we need to really understand. Where are adolescents and teens are coming from. And helped band to navigate. Healthier relationships. We can do. All we can to protect victims hold I am abusers accountable those kind of things. That you know South Carolina is trying to do better. But we also know the Indian investment. And I am helping adolescence as they are starting to develop their first relationships. Understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship is real important sets. And and along those lines and knew we talk a little bit about the subtle signs that even victims might not recognize you know that. Makes them a victim of abuse act and not wanting to put themselves in that that category of yet being a victim. Speak a little bit of bounce the subtle signs that that might you know be on the other side of the equation that that is that a broker trader doesn't necessarily wanna put themselves in that category and say I am I'm actually being an abuser but the things that. You know when they look in the mirror. That they're going to do I actually do this yeah. Yeah action it is it's like it you know it's it's this and AM MI and you know on the madam mine in mount my boss like cut off in traffic he you know booed and and then when I come home. He's coming and it Alan I'm taking it out on somebody that that I'll love. Because you know if I did it at work and get fired or I did it you know is in the middle of the street got the arrest it. And so isn't that in it I'm using my power. In this relationship. To Mitt manipulating get my way if that's becoming increasingly more often. And Aaron and diminishing. The respect. Of the relationship and and more more looking at my partner as a possession. Mum and then Dennis somebody view deserves to be treated with respect and deserve to be treated with equality. One of the other things that you mention word of the laws in South Carolina maybe not being stringent enough in terms of domestic violence. And it it reminded me I heard a report recently about I think it was about littering. That that somebody was trying to get a littering law you know be a more stringent and the response from the police said bull we already don't write enough littering tickets because that the penalties are too severe for what we kind of view as. Not not necessarily. A severe infraction death. How do you strike that balance between. Getting laws that are going to be effective and not going too far so that people don't get picked up for that. We're there yet here a couple of things domestic violence it is more of a a lot of it is it it's a our culture and is this issue or whole travel thing. And so if we can act as a culture. Really stand up and say pretty much people do look at it it's chilly still in some banana car. Work and and say oh god actually that person did that smoking inside now it's become just means people actually. In Butte do you Snedeker looked on as as a pariah has raised an yup which received a not so we've really created some culture change. In how we armed things that we just used to except is just being normal to remember that balance been the same thing is more of a societal shift it is is societal shifts gears that one thing but as far as. You know trying to say you know we don't we're really want to come over penalize somebody for doing something that's really not that significant. I am I think the does the truth is is that it when it comes to officers. Responding to a domestic violence victim but the times somebody calls and a lot of times is not the victim now it's the neighbor and and wind the police Iraq. This incidence is not enough already first time it has happened to either slow and I don't mean to suggest that domestic violence that it is not serious Raila right and I hear what you're saying too because a lot of times it really is it's hard to determine that's five makes it. It's really tricky to even talk about the issue of domestic violence because. You've got. It was very was due wizard justified it got out of hand a lot of times what is undetermined as to date. What has been going on in the relationship prior to that kind and that's one of the things that we understand that wit dean and that out and when I would answer the crisis line I'm back in the day well cheat but still it's a crisis like. And I would say are right this happened on Friday night and and in many times the victim is going to Dietz making it not to be such a bag thing she's wanted to stop. I mean you know he hit me but you know that's a one off. But then I asked her you know I'd on a teased him random Tuesday afternoon in what is going on in your relationship. And typically. In these relationships. It's that he's allowing her to go to the grocery store but he's looking at the mileage on her car. He's also making sure that she. Brings to receive hound him so he can determine how much money she spent. And what time did she go into the storm what time did she leave. And so there are they settle things that he is doing to maintain power and control he's giving her money and inception those are the things that we kind of take a look at also as Steve. All right that's fight that happened on Friday night where you know there was one tiny little bruise. That may be look like hand prance. Which is a big thing. So we really did you know there's there is this the it dearest things that you would that we need tent and pull out try to determine was this a one off or was this a relationship where there's continuous domestic violence going on. It sounds like and correct me if I'm wrong it sounds like that a lot of these issues that relate to. And manipulation and control you know controlling the power in the relationship kind of boil down to trust is that the case serve. And it I think that's a simplistic way of looking at are now look back yeah I think my simplistic how can I get I am in the shoes of somebody to. Who might be taking rat in my Aaron my issues out on NAFTA the personal up the matters it might be on that surface it might be an issue of trust. But when you come and come down to it and typically in the victims that we talked with are saying I'm just trying to stay one step ahead. The does things he's tell me I'm not doing right and and in whatever it was that he told me last week that I didn't do ride Christina usually are. Exactly and they sure I was on point with those things that Dick Cheney to again. And I just feel like it's crazy making I'm walking on eggshells I can't touch it is that it is likely shed. But I cannot tell you have many towns. That somebody calls us for the first time and says I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells and a relationship and I just don't know what to do and how to do it right. The so really it kind of goes beyond that level of a trust relationship and absolutely. And add to the point of manipulation to the point of abuse yes and and yes it does silly guys beyond that and so that's again taking it back to where really what we need to be doing in South Carolina more offset by South Carolina. Is who writes for domestic violence. Is what are we doing Gwyneth our middle school kids and our high school kids. To really help them have good role models and help them just grapple with the idea of healthy relationships. You look at social media look at the TV shows that they're watching. Dear relationships with the and dear to their family. Under pierced a lot of that is home models are not necessarily showing them healthy relationship models. What is it mean for a got to become a mainland and what does it mean for a woman and a girl to become a one and what are others things. And how are we going to influence them to. And when they develop that first and relationship with their voice for another girlfriend. What are they going to be what is healthy do you call them and text them. 250 times a day asking them where they are what they're doing I love you so much that I only want to spend time with you. That you take a picture where you are so like act because I don't trust G Ryan on and a you know I'm they let you go out with their girlfriends that you can only do for fifteen minutes because I want you to be with may. Unit adolescents and and teenagers and I think well you know we did he blows me that much that he was suspend Alice time with snakes and that gets this to the core at helping. Young girls and young boys to say yes that is not necessarily the healthiest thing to do in relationship. Well and at that age does those people are kind of exploring what those boundaries are I mean that's absolutely what a lot of that I just four and I. And and it speaks to those sort of a societal mores that you are talking about earlier and making sure that as a society we recognized. How these relationships work in and recognize them in individuals. Before we run out of time here when I mentioned the fashion with a passion and yeah then that you got coming up our own gas I tell us about that with so. Well we've been talking about all the things that we we do is say carper and days we don't charge anybody a damn for our services that we provide. Shelter or we provide community counting Sony's was a calling come in and talk to us. We do outreach for the community for our faith communities for professionals in this in our prevention programs we don't charge a damper services. So we have at our biggest fund raising event is our fashion shows called fashion with a passion and it's on March 15. And comets at the avenue in downtown green ball. What fashion with a passion is it's a big cocktail party can with a passion says it's coming and guys and and and and girls can come and in this a lot of fun so we have the fashion show we have a big and silent auction we have a live auction. And this year we have to raised in excess of 150000. Dollars which is gonna go directly back into the programs that say carper. 150000 dollars us with a thermometer has on yeah exactly oh yeah warned that if people wanna attend fashion with a passion to the need to Boris BP had and they need that we. Have an event bright matter where you can go on our we actually get to what our website we haven't been in this fashion with a passion website and it fashion with a passion SE dot org you can go on safe harbors website safe harbor ST dot org and done it's on the event calendar and you can just get your tickets they're. And it gagged by now the tickets are going fast is going to be really cool. Is it lots of fun and each down is going to be really making a difference. Potentially saving the life of somebody in aren't community. Touch is so at the very least safe harbor SE dot Oregon the main website for safe harbor has information on fashion has had all the information on their yes this other information now for a for victims full word volunteers yes if if you need other on the other thing yeah. Follow Islam they still Kenyans to Graham we have at we have the resale store that's one of the thing a mentioned very very quickly if you want to donate. Carson resell stories that we won eleven north pleasant Byrne drowned content and we take donations turn those into opportunities for. Our clients and our clients and get to shop there for furry so wound if you had some. And clothing that you wanna detonator furniture with taken and stored at your shop they are all the money that we and make that go into the programs percent Parker. So one more time visit safe harbor SE dot org. For more information that he Callahan executive director of safe harbor has been my guess they think you very much for being your bank's Chris appreciate you know virginity here it's been my pleasure. I'm Chris Evans and this has been focused on the upstate. You've been listening to focus on the yet state with Chris Evans if you would like more information on today's topic email Chris. At C Evans